take · me · to · the · farthest · shore

Maybe I understand that just being,
Is sometimes too much to breathe in,
Just about enough to cave in,
And do something.

It's wrong, but I can't stop thinking.

If there was any time to say FML appropriately, it would have been last night.



But i come home and i see our song on your profile, I dont know why but that makes me feel so much better. I miss you.

It's a funny world;

Where suddenly women fawn all over me, and it's all i can do to tell them to just FUCK OFF.


Who would've thought?
I bet you wouldn't have.

haha.

I know what it's like to do something you think can't be undone.
And it can never be undone, but it can be forgiven.
You don't have to lose your whole self in one act,
Something you never thought you would do.
The guilt is so overwhelming, you think;
'Well, i've fucked it up now haven't i, may as well ruin it entirely'.
 
It doesn't have to be like that.
Don't be scared of being wrong.
You can't really know what you will do when put in a situation.
But you have to be bigger than that, admit your mistakes.
Pay the price, even though it sucks.
And then you rebuild yourself, with the things you know now.
Use it as a reminder, use it as motivation, use it as an excuse to be different.
But for god's sake don't lose yourself in it, it's not the end of everything you know.
You can never go too far, but you can damage what you have depending on how far you push.
Stop being guilty. Stop pushing.
Everybody fucks up, but we own it.
We move on, we're better people for it.
It doesn't make you less of  a person because this one time, you were wrong.
 
How are you supposed to find yourself being someone else?
One phase in life doesn't define you, I know you better than that.
So stop being someone you aren't, start being you again.
A you with modifications, because changing isn't a bad thing.
And we all need change sometimes, a little added insight, empathy, tolerance and such..
The beauty of hindsight is that we get to change for the future.
And the beauty of love is that it is flexible.
This love has lasted this far, hasn't it?
 
And the most ironic thing is.. You taught me that.
 
 
Please wake up..

I see the pages you thumb, and click,
They can't erase me.
Must you achieve these lengths, widths, breadths,
In order to succeed your thoughts of me?
Apologies, in advance.
They won't go.
Trust me, I tried once too.
 
I see the places you go, people you see,
They can't erase me.
Must you try so desperately before you see?
These things won't resolve your thoughts of me.
Sorry, in advance.
But they won't go.
Believe me, I tried once too.
 
I see time elapsing, days and weeks.
They can't erase me.
Must you wait the years to finally be?
Time can't strain the thoughts of me.
Please, in advance,
They won't go.
Look at me, I tried once too.
 
And I see you, flawed and flawless in your ways,
I won't erase you.
I will wait through the time, the places, the people and the pages.
I won't try so desperately to escape you.
Even after your mistakes, I will wait,
And when everything and everyone is gone,
And only the rawness is left,
I will still be standing, I won't go.
Remember,
You tried it once too.

I see,
The devil's hand perched.
Squeezing, Relieving.
 
When i speak,
Your eyes, unbelieving.
Vacant, or burning.
 
And then I know.
Deep into the night it stirs,
And you stir, not unto me.
 
You sacrifice,
To a devil in disguise,
Not just you, but me.
 
I saw,
The devil's hand perched,
Gloating, Stealing.
 
I wish,
That you could see.
 
 *
 
Confrontation,
You are a lie in my eyes.
A devils hand does guide you,
But you have the power of change.

Responsibility,
You must accept as your own.
Mistakes are not a failure,
Unless you do not claim them.
 
Forgiveness,
You cannot move on without,
Forgetting is a hopeful thought,
But stays at that.
 
Trust,
Is not an option.
But where you place it is important,
Be cautious of the evils that stare.
 
Hope,
Of which you have no control.
Will exist in you,
No matter the feelings you present.
 
Love,
It lasts through everything.
It doesn't wait for you.
And you don't have a choice.

sigh.
 
She leaves on friday.

I often wake to wonder what went wrong...
My head is so confused, it asks me everyday 'why are you sleeping alone?'
My heart is upset and thus my head is annoyed,
They need each other in order for me to function you see.
So mostly it's my head acting, but my heart is aching and beating so loud my head cant concentrate.
They are fighting.
And that is not a good thing.
The vibration in my head is driving me insane.
The constant cramps in my heart aren't pleasant either.
This other part of me takes over then,
It pulls me up, around, and through everything.
It is quite bizarre.
I suppose this is the part of me called desperation.
The part that says 'No matter what, I need you to pull through'.
And even though I could have sworn this would kill me,
And I'm not really sure why it hasn't...
It assures me it will be over one day, and my head and heart can reconnect.
I can bring the parts of me in for a meeting, and start a plan.
It shows me flashes of past, things to look forward to.
It keeps me from crying myself to sleep every night,
And keeps me living my life, even in a mundane way.
I am kept alive by thoughts of you.
By the smell of you,
The feeling of you,
My memories of you,
The love we share;
 
And I meant it when I said I would wait.
That weird part of me won't let me let you go.
So really, I don't have a choice in the matter.
My body has told me it's time to wait, and I will.
Even when you push,
Even when you go...

We said our last goodbyes.
 
She held my hand, she cried.
I held her hand, I cried.
 
We spoke only about how we screwed everything up.
When all we needed was right there.
We spoke of lack of trust, about honesty.
About how we were just seventeen.
 
We're nineteen.
And when i stepped off the bus,
and mouthed I Love You...
She loved me back.
 
I offered her a promise or my heart,
I gave her my heart.
But it's strange how heavy the space is without her.
 
I don't know how anyone could possibly know...
She was my best friend, my girlfriend, my soulmate.
And now she can't promise we'll be together again.
Now i've lost everything i've ever, ever known for certain.
I've lost my future, my heart, my soul, my only love.
 
and i dont care how emo it sounds,
because i really have lost everything.

 She packed up her things.
  

When she's sick i'm there in a second.
When she's sad i'm there to comfort her.
When she blames, i just take it.
When she tells me all the things that are wrong with me, i try to see.
When she does nothing to help herself, i make suggestions.
When she doesn't like my suggestions, i think of others.
When she tells me she doesn't like when i talk to someone, i stop.
When she doesn't want me to leave, i stay.
When she wants to talk and talk and talk, i listen as best i can.
When she wants to tell me about her day, i pretend i'm not hurt by the person she spends it with.
When she asks me to message her, i do.
When she asks me to buy her credit, i do.
When she worries about money, i take care of it.
When she pushes me away without knowing, i let her.
When she leaves me, i let her.
When she wants me to do something with her, i do.
When she ignores my requests, i try not to get upset.
When she tells me i'm being paranoid, i try to consider it.
When she tells me i don't get 'feelings', i try not to resent her for it.
When she locks her door every night, i try not to feel rejected.
When she stays awake for hours after she tells me she's going to bed, i try not to read into it.
When she laughs and jokes on the phone at 2am in the morning, i try not to take offence.
When she carries around her phone everywhere she goes, but doesn't msg me back, i hope for the best.
When she talks to the people she knows i'm not comfortable with her talking to, i try to ignore it.
When she goes to stay with the person she knows i am the most uncomfortable with, i try not to explode.
When she stays away for days at a time, and messages just before she is supposed to be home to say she'll be away again, i try not to be let down.
When she justifies away all of the complaints i have, and turn them back on me, i try to understand.
When she glazes over, and tells me it didn't have to be this way if only i wasn't so crazy, i blame myself.
When she says 'we're not together' a couple of times a day, i try not to be discouraged.
When she changes her opinions and perspectives and expects me to be happy with them, i try to understand.
When she comes home a different person everyday, i try not to believe she's someones puppet.
When she says my friends don't really know me, that's why they can't understand, i try to believe it.
When she says she's afraid i will hit her, i think she musn't know me at all.
When she says she has no intentions of being with other people, she doesn't promise, i try to be okay with that.
When she accuses me of being controlling, i try to be around less.
When she says that i need help, i take it on.
When she says she needs space, i give it to her.
When she says that this was our decision, i try not to laugh.
When she says i have all the control of this situation, i try not to tell her she's wrong.
When she apologises for sculpting my life for two years, because what she said was wrong, i try to hold on.
When she turns my world upside down, and shakes, i try to accept it.
When she implies it's only this way because of the way i am, i try not to tell her this is what she made me.
When she says we should be apart, it's for the best, i try to comprehend why we need to be apart.
When she says she's lost herself, i try to steer her in the right direction.
When she's sad and i'm not enough to make her happy, i try not to feel like a failure.
When she's happy and it has nothing to do with me, i try not to feel inadequate.
 
When i need her, she's never there.
And for someone who picks at every little thing i do wrong,
she doesn't even notice the wrong she does by me.

Here lies: Sonnet I had to write for my creative writing class :P
 

Heavenly rope hangs, with hope to be noticed

But dark figures make for hopeless noters

Huddled horde, relentless footsteps drumming

Oblivious to the helping hand outstretched.

 

And you, with whom I once shared so much heat

Now shuffle robotic in the drone

You are not so proud now – eyes lack-lustre

Had I only dreamt the passion of your lies?

 

The lifeline I’ve cast you dangles unseen

Eyes forever glued to dirty gum-stained grey

Bowed heads, marching towards some needless end

Gentleman’s stature, but you won’t see me

 

Starved, the rope dries to string, then dust, dispersed.

Hope lost, but what is lost if no one noticed?

 

For those who didn't knowww:
a sonnet is a LOT harder to write than you think. 10 syllables a line, 14 lines, it's supposed to rhyme, but i thought it was hard enough as it was anyway :P KUDOS TO MY ENIS! for practically writing it for me :D jigsaw baybeeeee!

 

 

i've just been thinking about my lack of posting as of late.
 
i thought i'd fill in some blanks!
- im at uniiii
- i scored a job as filler/duty manager at coles lutwyche (what can i say? i just cant stay away :P)
- i am flying back to melb for a wedding during the holidays
- im missing my peoples, and wana hang out (manda and i have collaborated briefly)
- AND. i never realised how fking hard it is to get a bus to the city in the morning. i walked today. it took me less time than it would have waiting or a bus.
 
i really hate dot points. i have a fun fact too!! so today, i did a clean of my room.. and all the marks on the walls that hadn't been touched are now GONE! but seriously, when using eucaluptus oil, ventilate the room. unless you want to feel drunk without actually BEING drunk. :|
 
CATHERINE. DO SOMETHING WITH ME SOOOOOOON

im spending new years
with the most beautiful girl in the world.
 
:]
 
Happy New Years indeed.

work work work
i hate work.
 
i hate that there is no sunlight at 6am.
i hate that there is no sunlight at 7pm.
i live in the drool of fluorescent lighting.
 
i think if i go outside i'll blow over.
then maybe ill see the sun for a while.